How To Get Rid Of A Skunk Using Only Three Simple Household Items

You will need:

1. A chair
2. A hose
3. A bottle of courage
4. Or just some regular courage. Really, just like, whatever.

How to approach the skunk:

1. Find a place just far enough away from the skunk that it cannot spray you
2. You might stand on top of the chair to get out of the way
3. Or you could use the chair to stand up high enough to look over your fence at the skunk on the other side
4. Don't get too close to the skunk or it will totally spray you and your life will suck for a few weeks
5. Make sure to remove all obstacles that might impede you from a hasty escape such as dogs, children, boxes, doors (open them, don't take them off their hinges and put them in your closet-- you will need the door on there so that you can slam it quickly), didgeridoos, piles of books, a slippery bar of soap, etc..

What to do if the skunk comes after you before you can get to the part where you need the hose:

1. Remember those obstacles you removed? Do not underestimate the power of distraction. Children make terrible distractions as they tend to be just as afraid as you are but dogs, especially little ones, are fearless and can be tossed in the way of the skunk.
2. Rocks. I probably should have mentioned that in the "Things You Need" section but it's here now and that's that.
3. Neighborhood cooperation. You ALL will benefit from the extraction and banishment of the skunk so don't hesitate to call on your neighbors for help. You might ask one of them to bang pots and pans while another throws their dogs at it and another throws rocks. The skunk will be outnumbered! 

Extracting the skunk:

1. Now that everything is in place, go for the hose!
2. Make sure that the hose is set on "jet" or that you know how to do that thing where you put your thumb in the way of the stream of water and it makes it spray out like a an angry fan.
3. Stand on the chair or in the safe place that you have decided upon.
4. Spray the skunk IN THE FACE!
5. Keep spraying.
6. Seriously, spray more.
7. Why isn't it leaving?
8. Oh god... is it trying to spray ME?
9. Aw Hell naw!
10. The skunk's spray hole is aimed right at you. Take this as an advantage and spray right into it's spray hole, effectively making the skunk spray itself.
11. Go away, skunk! GAWD!
12. Okay, it's running away now. It's completely drenched. 
13. Tell all of your neighbors to keep a look out for any skunk who is NOT drenched so that you can perform your act of heroism once again.

Banishing the skunk:

1. Hahahahahahaha! Ooooh man. Youre killin' me here! Hahahaha!
2. Hah!
3. No really... oh wow... hahaha... Oh man... you really had me going there... banishing a skunk... Who even KNOWS how to do that?
4. Seriously, if you know a guy, I would love his number.
5. DO you know a guy?!
6. Aw come on... don't leave a girl hangin' like that!
7. Well, if you are NOT Batman and, therefore, do NOT know how to actually keep a skunk from living under your house without actually killing it then you will have to tell the neighbor whose house it is currently living under that it has made a swift and soggy retreat back underneath their stairs.
8. You can also set traps for skunks but good luck with THAT haha
9. Please document all trapping attempts involving skunks on video. Please send them to me as quickly as possible for, uh, science... scientific study! Yes. That. It is very important. Do it. The human race depends on you.

Enjoy your next five or six hours of skunkless-ness!

Repeat as necessary!