I'd like to record, here and now, that this entry was started on the 9th of July... ONE DAY before I learned that my ex-husband had remarried and procreated.
I will write of that incident in the past tense along with everything else even though my intention to write about my downward spiral came almost two weeks before that.
I was at Dave and Busters, a restaurant and bar that boasts a hoard of video games. It's aimed at adults and is a lot of fun. On Wednesdays every game is half price. Since their games are grossly overpriced, my friends and I only go on Wednesdays for this grandiose event of savings. The only catch is that one must arrive no later than 5:30 or the wait times to get food or drinks is insane.
Earlier that day I had an appointment to sell a hedgehog to a buyer who was recommended to me by a previous buyer. I made the age old mistake of assuming that this new buyer had paid attention to her friend's hedgehog and knew what exactly to do with her new animal. When she finally arrived at 6pm even though she had promised no later than 3pm, she had nothing with her to take the new baby hoglet in. I gave her a box and told her to make sure that it did not escape and to get home quickly and put it in it's new cage. Oh? You don't have a cage? I was dumbfounded. She promised to pick one up on the way home. I told her exactly what to get. Later she sent me a photo of an adorable ceramic farm house on top of fake grass with carpet beneath that. All of it was wrong and dangerous to the new baby. I had linked a post to her that was on my hedgehog blog that focused completely on what to buy (in simple list form with brand names, sizes, and everything else practically down to the colour!) and how to assemble it (my dog can untie the bows around her neck and I think that makes her qualified to put this together because it is THAT SIMPLE) but she ignored all of it and "did her own thing". I was horrified. These are NOT suggestions, I told her. These are what. You. NEED.
I phoned her friend, my original customer, in a panic and told her about the catastrophe. See, unlike other hedgehog breeders in SoCal, I CARE where my hedgehogs go. I CARE if they are put in the proper kind of habitat. I CARE if they are treated well. I try very hard to check in on them every once in a while even though that list of buyer names is pretty damn long after three years. Anyway, everything got straightened out and was put together properly enough for me to not freak out about how this woman put the cuteness of her hedgehog cage over the safety of her animal. I do NOT understand ANYONE who thinks like that.
So back to Dave and Busters... I was already frayed from the ordeal with the stupid hedgehog woman so when my appetizer took 45 minutes to get to me, I was quite unhappy and asked for a refund. The girl at the bar said "Sure!" and never came back. Well? Where is it? Where is my refund? I waited almost another half an hour before I finally lost it, became totally livid, and tracked this airhead down. When I finally found her she simply said "Oh we just didn't charge your card to which I said "And just when were you going to tell ME that?" She apologised but I was just so mad that I demanded to talk to her manager. I explained and told him that not only did I want my money back for my food but also my money for my unused game credits (which was all of them since I never MADE IT past the bar). He insulted me (not intentionally), by offering to add 20 whole credits to my balance. It costs 10 credits for a few games and, even on half off night, the cheapest game is 1.4 credits. I was pissed at his stupid offer and demanded my effing money back. So he gave me my money back. Justin, my boyfriend, was upset that I had "caused a scene" (which I had, I just wasn't easily going to admit it at that point) and asked me to calm down so I drove home alone, screaming and crying in my car and honking at idiots who were blocking the roads I needed to get on. I should not have been allowed to drive.
Here is something a bit more important. When I got home from Dave & Busters, I could not stop crying. I screamed and yelled and I held my head and screamed for it to leave me alone. I screamed for it to stop harassing me. I hated every thought that raced inwards at me, like daggers meeting their mark.
I screamed and cried over something else that I don't even remember also... I don't think I'll ever remember but I tried to hang myself and threw myself against all of the walls and doors. I was out of control and it felt awful. I was angry. I was sad. I was scared-- no, I was terrified. BUt I don't know WHY. The straw that broke the camel's back was the news of my ex moving on and having a baby. I don't give a flying fuck if that asshole has a baby... he's going to be a terrible father because he was a terrible man. Maybe he grew up and stopped being an manchild... but I doubt it. I feel for the child and the mother as well who will hopefully come to her senses and run while she can. I'd personally NEVER entrust a child to someone who values knives and swords like he does and sleeps with them under his bed. I can just imagine his kid coming in and getting stabbed or stabbing his or herself with one because childproof that man ain't. It mainly makes me want to puke because he's got the ugliest face, a terrible, fake smile, and a deep loathing for society. I have no DEEP loathing... my grievances are right on the surface and I enjoy society, when it will have me, as a whole. I like being around people and I also like to be home on my own or just with a friend and my own little family. The worst thing to come from all of this is the JEALOUSY.
Yes, I am fucking jealous. Why? Because someone who does not deserve a child and who will raise them to be a society hating Christian HAS a child and *I* do NOT. I want a child so that I can mold a life into one that can be successful and happy. I want both Justin's (my boyfriend and partner) artistic talent and tenacity and I want my spontaneity and artistic talent as well to bring our child happiness and success and joy. I want to share my life with a new child who has never been to see a movie, who has never known the simple joys in life. I don't need to win Mother Of The Year but I have promised myself that I will be known as "The Cool Mom" or whatever it is that kids say by the time I've had mine long enough to think of me as "cool".
I need to get my head straight. I need my medications to work, my therapy to work, and my terrified fits of rage to STOP.
I hold my head in my hands and weep... I scream into a pillow... I run around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off... I DON'T. WANT. THAT. That is NOT who I am! I am loving! I am compassionate! I am sweet and charitable! I am loved by others. I am trusted by some of them too. But most of all I am afraid that I will just get worse, that I'll never get to have a child, and that I will end up alone. Alone... everyone having left me in some kind of home for people with mental illness... To that I say NO! I WILL triumph somehow! everything will be just fine! I will have a baby or adopt a child someday. I WILL have my family and it will be a happy one.
I just hope that I can get through whatever it is that is causing me so much anxiety at present and for the last several weeks...
